How To: Have a Difficult Conversation (Without Creating Tension in The Team)

Having tough conversations about performance or behaviour can be tricky, especially in small businesses where relationships are often close-knit. But with the right approach, you can address issues constructively without causing tension or bad feeling in your team.

Here’s a simple guide:

1. Prepare and Stay Objective

Before starting the conversation, take some time to get clarity on the specific issue you need to address. Stick to facts and be ready with examples of behaviour or performance, avoiding vague statements like “you’re not doing well.” Preparing also helps you stay calm, which is key to setting the tone of the discussion

Tip: Frame the conversation as a discussion about an opportunity for growth, rather than a "telling off." Think of the conversation as collaborative problem-solving to address the problem you have identified.

2. Choose the Right Time and Place

Don’t spring the conversation on them during a busy or stressful moment. Arrange a time that works for both of you and find a private, neutral space. This shows respect and signals that the issue is important but not a crisis.

Tip: Avoid public or casual environments like a lunch break, as this can make people feel blindsided or embarrassed.

3. Start with Empathy

Open the conversation by acknowledging their efforts or contributions first.  It can also be helpful to highlight something that has gone really well first.  This helps soften the start and makes the person feel valued. Then, you can gently lead into the issue by saying, “I want to talk about something I’ve noticed, and I’d like to  get your thoughts on it.”

Tip: Starting with the intention to increase your understanding opens up a dialogue rather than making it feel like a one-sided critique.

4. Be Direct, but Kind

Be honest about the issue, but avoid blaming or finger-pointing. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, like “I’ve noticed the project deadlines have been missed lately” rather than “You’re always late with your work.” This keeps the focus on the issue, not the person.  This help the person to receive the feedback in a more constructive way.

Tip: Stick to the facts and impact. Explain how the issue is affecting the team or business to make it relatable.  Don't make it personal by bringing your own feelings into the feedback.

5. Listen and Seek Their Input

After explaining the issue, give them a chance to speak. Maybe there’s something going on that you didn’t know about.  They may already be aware of the problem and be relieved you want to help resolve it.  Understanding their perspective can help you both figure out a way forward.

Tip: Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think might be contributing to this?” , “How do you feel we can improve things moving forward?” or "Is there any support you need to prevent this from happening in the future?"

6. Focus on Solutions

End the conversation by focusing on the future. Offer support and resources if needed, and make a plan together for how to improve the situation. Clearly define expectations and set a time to follow up.  It can also be helpful at this point to summarise what you have agreed and, if appropriate, remind them of all of their other positive contributions to keep the feedback in balance

Tip: Try to frame it as a team effort: “How can we work together to solve this?”

7. Stay Supportive After the Conversation

Check in with them regularly to show you’re invested in their improvement. Acknowledging small wins and progress can help rebuild any potential tension and show that you’re still in their corner.

Tip: Offer feedback and support moving forward. Let them know that this one issue doesn’t define their entire performance.

Having tough conversations is never easy, but approaching them with empathy, clarity, and a focus on solutions helps minimize resentment. When handled well, these conversations can actually strengthen trust and communication in the long run.